maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
