I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
