Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
