how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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