i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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