My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So much rum. So many feels.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
