dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
