K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
