Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
