I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
