Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
