I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The best revenge is premature balding
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
