I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
