I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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