oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
