You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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