Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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