Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
