this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He passed out mid-signature
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize