can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
