I just pynch a tree in the face
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
