Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
