On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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