Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
