I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
