Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
