you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
