We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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