never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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