How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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