I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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