Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
