New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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