I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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