Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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