You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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