dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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