Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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