I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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