I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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