remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
