You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it's like iHOP with fire
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize