By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
