He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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