When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
