my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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