My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
