i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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