what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Randomize
