People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
