we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if only i could text you this smell
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
