nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
