i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Ladies don't puke and tell
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
