and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
