Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
