So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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