dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
