Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
