I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
