I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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