When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
