The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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