i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
