I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
