my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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