Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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