I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
