i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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