Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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