Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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