omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
