Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
