seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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